Insomnia Sucks

It's 12:30 on Monday night, make that Tues morning, I have work tomorrow & insomnia strikes. It was bad enough in college, when I could skip class, but when when I have real responsibilities, it's a pain. Not to mention hard to explain to your boss that you can't come to work because you were up too late.

I've never understood what makes this hit. Sometimes I just can't go to sleep & others, like tonight, my brain just won't shut down. It's going full speed when I need it to go back to idle. It's not like there's anything on my mind to keep me awake. Well, there is, but I've decided to give that little problem over to God. Either I'll get the answer I want, or God will say "not yet". I've decided that I have to be happy in the now & what is, not worrying about the might be.

We've started working on the Christmas program. I know, it's two months away, but that's really not as long as you'd think. Besides, with our kids, we need all the practice we can get. Add on to that all the other junk I've got going on & life's hopping right now.

A friend of mine is in the hospital, severe complications with her pregnancy. They're talking about keeping her for at least a month & then doing a c-section. She's not the type to sit around, so this waiting is driving her nuts. Not only the idleness, but the worry. When you're stuck in a hospital, your mind starts dwelling on all the "what ifs". I just hope & pray that everything works out & she doesn't have any more trouble.

Either I'm more tired than I thought, or my brain is really rolling. This post just seems to popcorn all over the place. So I guess I'll end it for now, shut the machine down & try once more to get some shut eye. Otherwise I'll be worthless tomorrow.

Singleness is a Gift???

I've been reading this book, "If Singleness is a Gift, What's the Return Policy?" & it's been pretty helpful. The 2 ladies who wrote it have a style that I can relate to. They've been through what I'm struggling with, so at times it's almost as if I had written parts of it. The struggles, the lonliness, the depression of feeling like you'll never find someone to love. But there's a couple quotes in there that have really helped. My favorite is, "if life stinks, it's time to change perfume." How true! If my life is crap right now, it's because I've made it that way. God didn't create me to be like this, he wants me to be happy, peaceful, content, & satisfied with my life. Until I can find that happiness, how can I expect to find someone to love? It also talks about how God's timing isn't always our timing. Sure, whack me over the head with the 2x4 again, the knot from the last time hasn't gone away yet. He's preparing me for my mate, just as he's preparing my mate for me. When it's time, we'll meet, fall in love, & live happily ever after. But sometimes the waiting is the hard part. I'm not always a patient person, you know.

Re-Finding My Joy

Ok, I’ve been feeling down lately. Don’t know why, it’s not like anything really happened. I just woke up one morning with a bad attitude. Life sucked in general & mine was a Hoover. It’s awful to feel like this! Like the whole world’s against you & that you don’t care about anything. But I’m happy to say it’s starting to lift. I’m not on top of the world yet, but I’m starting to re-find the contentment I had before this whole episode.

Maybe that’s part of the problem, my contentment. I’ve convinced myself that my life is ok as it is. Not great, not perfect, but nothing to complain about. There’s things I want, but I’ve convinced myself that I don’t need them to be happy. I mean, I don’t HAVE to have a husband and children to make my life complete, I can be satisfied being a children’s minister, right? That way, I don’t have the responsibility of being a parent, right? Sure, Jen, keep telling yourself that & eventually you’ll believe it.

I have decided, though, that I need to find peace with being single. I need to learn that I don’t have to have a man to validate my life. If I can’t be happy with myself as I am, how can I ever find someone else to love me? So, with that, I’ve decided to give up my depression at my single state, kiss goodbye my moping around for Mr. Right, & learn to love myself again.