How far is too far?
A friend recently asked me for a favor. Initially, it wasn’t a huge thing (though it was a big deal in my opinion), but has quickly grown into a major favor. As I’m trying to get out from under this obligation, it’s caused me to wonder, just how far is too far in friendship?
I’ll be the first to admit that I take advantage of certain friends. Being single, sometimes I have no choice other than to ask for help. When I go out of town, I’ll ask one or the other to pick up my mail, check on my dog, water my plants, or any one of a number of small “chores”. Usually the person I ask says it’s not a problem, but we both know it is. Stopping by every day or two, especially when it’s out of their way, is a big deal. However, I try to keep my requests small, or to lessen the obligation on my friend. For example, I was out of town for a week last summer. Before I left, I asked the parents of my lawn boys if they could pick up my mail when they came to mail. That way, they’re already there doing something else & it’s not a special trip just to pick up my junk mail.
While I’ll freely admit that I do ask for help on a frequent basis, I try to ask different people each time, so I’m not always relying on the same person. Doing a favor every once in a while is one thing; doing it every week/month/couple of months, that’s entirely different. Also, everyone I ask also knows that I’d willingly help them should the need arise. When you have to ask for help, you become more conscious that it’s your responsibility to help others whenever possible.
All this brings me back to my original question: how far is too far? There’s a line between asking a favor and taking advantage. Depending on the friendship, that line can be in different spots. How, then, do know you’ve gone from “little favor” to “huge imposition”?
I’ll be the first to admit that I take advantage of certain friends. Being single, sometimes I have no choice other than to ask for help. When I go out of town, I’ll ask one or the other to pick up my mail, check on my dog, water my plants, or any one of a number of small “chores”. Usually the person I ask says it’s not a problem, but we both know it is. Stopping by every day or two, especially when it’s out of their way, is a big deal. However, I try to keep my requests small, or to lessen the obligation on my friend. For example, I was out of town for a week last summer. Before I left, I asked the parents of my lawn boys if they could pick up my mail when they came to mail. That way, they’re already there doing something else & it’s not a special trip just to pick up my junk mail.
While I’ll freely admit that I do ask for help on a frequent basis, I try to ask different people each time, so I’m not always relying on the same person. Doing a favor every once in a while is one thing; doing it every week/month/couple of months, that’s entirely different. Also, everyone I ask also knows that I’d willingly help them should the need arise. When you have to ask for help, you become more conscious that it’s your responsibility to help others whenever possible.
All this brings me back to my original question: how far is too far? There’s a line between asking a favor and taking advantage. Depending on the friendship, that line can be in different spots. How, then, do know you’ve gone from “little favor” to “huge imposition”?
posted by Jen | 4:18 PM
2 Comments:
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I know what you mean. I try to be consciencious of who and how I ask my favors and I think in general my friends do the same for me. I also know that it is better for me to say no to a favor rather than do something that encourages me to think badly of the other person. I hope that my friends also would do the same for me.
You can't be the sole judge of what is too far, but keeping that line of communication open, that 'okay to say no' or whatever, can sometimes be problematic. However, it must be done and will only help you get to know and trust each other more which will lead to having a better compass as to what is and isn't an imposition. Everyone is different. I had a neighbor who didn't mind picking up my mail because she used the additional coupons for herself. On the other hand I had a friend who couldn't pick-up an extra handout in class for me when I was sick. When I probed (discreetly) because she was being evasive about something I figured would be no big deal (take an extra piece of paper when it's being passed around, right?) I found out she was driving a couple hours to another city to spend time with her grandfather and although she would probably be in touch with me, she knew that she would drop her obligation to me in a heartbeat should her grandfather need her. It wasn't a big favor to ask so she didn't want to seem unreasonable, but she felt better after warning me that I shouldn't count on getting it before the next class and I understood why. I do think that she did not have to tell me the specific personal reasons she had, but she's one of those worriers and deferred her personal space to make things clear for me.
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