Friends & Mentors

We had our "mentoring" meeting for the priesthood class tonight. I enjoyed it, Renee is close enough to my age that she understands the difficulties we face, & she's surprisingly pretty friendly. I guess since we've never really sat down & talked one-on-one, & she always acted kinda hard to approach, that I took it to be standoffish. She was full of great insights as to what our office responsibilities are, since we don't have any "official" tasks like serving communion or baptising or whatever. She started by asking me if I saw my role as growing from "just youth ministry", which I took the wrong way a little. I told her that I saw that as my calling & not as a stepping point. She replied that she just wanted to know how I saw my role & if I recognized the youth as my calling. I have to hand it to her, she's a good therapist. It's nice to have confirmation that this is the right thing; especially from someone I don't have a lot of dealing with. And it was nice to have the time to talk with Renee, maybe make a new friend. I think she could become a good friend & mentor, especially as I enter into this new chapter of ministry.

Ring...Ring...

The weatherman forecasted "flurries" & now the ground's covered. I really need a job like that, they're wrong the majority of the time & still keep their job. It's cold, wet & all I want is to cuddle under the covers with a good book & hot cup of tea.

The phone conversations have been going pretty good. He's called the last 4 nights. We don't chat very long, he has a new job & works evenings, plus he's afraid we'll move too far into friends mode before we meet that nothing more can develop, but it's a bright spot. I look forward to hearing from him. Sheesh, now I sound like a giggly schoolgirl....Ok, now back to maturity. He said tonight that I "scare him". He considers me a "good girl" & apparently he's never been with someone like me before. But, he also said I'm the type he always complained about not being able to meet. So, either it's a good thing, meaning we might have a chance to build something, or a bad thing & he doesn't want to get mixed up with someone "good". We're supposed to go out in a few weeks, when his new job settles down. I'm looking forward to meeting him, but in a way it's even more frightening having to wait so long. Gives me longer to start building up the self-doubts. I don't know, though. We have so much in common, he seems genuinely nice; is this too good to be true? My luck with men hasn't been the best, how do I know what's right?

And the Weather Forecast is...

Why is it the weather is nice all week, then freezing cold on the weekends? Is this some sick joke that weathermen come up with? I'm stuck inside all day during the week, then on my day off I'm stuck inside because of the cold. My christmas lights are never coming down, at least not until spring.

So the phone conversation went pretty good. We wound up talking for almost 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. I'm usually not that talkative, but it was nice. We just sort of rambled from one topic to another, then he had to get off. I got an email from him, saying he wanted to call again but was going to wait a couple days. He didn't want to "scare me off". It was fun, & I hope he does call again.

Since I couldn't do anything outside today, I spent the day lounging around watching movies. I rented 2 somewhat odd ones, the kind that you turn off the tv & say, "ok, that was different." I did get most of my dishes washed, & a little bit of the house picked up, but mostly I was lazy. It's nice to have lazy days, days where I can do anything I want or nothing. Of course, I really do need to be more productive & get some things done, soon summer will be here & all the summer ministry stuff will be eating up my spare time.

To New Friendships

Why is it 4-day workweeks seem three times as long as a regular week? We had Mon off because of the holiday & I swear this week seems to go on forever! Come on Friday, only one more day...

So I’ve been talking with this guy over emails (think Meg Ryan & Tom Hanks) & I finally gave him my phone number. My cell, because I didn’t feel comfortable giving out my land line. He seems nice enough, but we all know what luck I’ve had with men in the past. Why can’t I get rid of this jerk magnet? All I seem to attract are the liars, creeps & just plain weirdoes. But I realize that if I want this to go further than the penpal stage, I'm going to have to take a leap of faith. Take a chance that this guy could be decent, that even if there aren't any sparks, maybe we can become friends. I went bowling with John & his girlfriend this weekend, on the way to the bowling alley he started in on my about why I’m not married. I tried to be polite, because I know he’d take it the wrong way, but I don’t believe divorce is an option in most cases. I know it takes two to make a marriage work & if one person doesn’t want to make it work, sometimes it is best to separate, but it’s not something I want for myself. Too many people go into marriage thinking, “if it doesn’t work out, we can always go our separate ways.” I don’t think so. It’s a holy sacrament, one that shouldn’t be taken lightly, & the dissolution of such a union should also be taken seriously. I guess I’m just afraid of getting burned too badly. Been there, done that, & I don’t want it to happen again.

Ok, Jen, you haven’t even met this guy & you’re already thinking long-term? Yet another reason you’re still single. I guess it’s normal to consider long-term when meeting someone, but still…

Bonnie called me last week, asking if I’d heard from the girl who was staying with me. Seems she’s fallen back into her old ways & now has disappeared. Gave Bonnie fake phone numbers & names, ditched work, the whole nine yards. I pray she’s ok, that she shows up soon. If she doesn’t, there’s a good chance she’ll wind up back in jail. So much for my trying to help.

All right, enough rambling for one day. Back to work. I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.

Paul My Hero!

We're studying Acts in BSF & altho I've gone thru it before, studying for my kids & then for our YA group, I'm always amazed at everything Paul went thru. Maybe he's the example that we should follow. You got pain in the butt volunteers? He had Mark, who left when the going got tough. Been insulted, talked about, or pooped on? Try beatings, being thrown in jail, shipwrecks, snakebites, being run out of town on numerous occasions, & still they had a joyful attitude. He's thrown in jail for no legitimate reason & what does he do? Sing! Then when an earthquake provides his escape, he stays behind because leaving would result in the jailer being killed. I don't think I could do the same. No, scratch that, I know I couldn't have the same attitude. I haven't suffered near that much & I still lose heart, get discouraged, get fed up, & lose my temper way too often. Maybe instead of my other resolutions, I should make one to be more like Paul. But I doubt I'll ever agree with his attitude about singlehood.

Terry also said something I really liked. Discouragement is from "the enemy" (I think she has an aversion to saying Satan) & we choose to be discouraged. That's so true. Too many times I let little things get me down, then get frustrated when someone tells me "look on the bright side." I don't want to look on the bright side, if I did I wouldn't be upset, would I? Another goal for me, not a resolution because I know I won't fulfill those, but a goal, something to shoot for. Kinda goes along with my thankfulness list. Speaking of which, today I'm thankful for...
...heat, glorious warmth, especially on chilly mornings.
...being able to find solutions to my problems, even if the solution isn't a normal one.
...encouragement from unlikely sources.
...hot homemade potato soup.
...fog that gives the world a softer edge.

New Experiences

I just had the experience of going to a Mexican birthday party. My students invited me to go with them to a party for a friend of theirs, since we were supposed to have our tutoring session tonight & they felt guilty for cancelling last week. It was...unique. Fun, even though I couldn't understand what they were saying. They kept telling each other "in English!" & then would start back with Spanish. Everyone was very nice, tho. Very gracious & hospitable, not like other parties I've gone to. My hostess fixed some sort of Mexican soup, not tortilla soup like you get in restaurants, but better. Then after the meal they started dancing & dragged me in a couple times. I have 2 left feet but that didn't seem to stop them. It was lighthearted, relaxed, fun evening. I'm a little disappointed we didn't have our lesson, it's been several weeks since our last one because of the holidays, but in a way this was better. I got to see them in their setting, more as acquaintances rather than teacher/student. I also got some great insight into their culture, which might be able to help me with teaching them.

Another frog to add to my collection...

So I'm chatting with this guy last night who looked me up. Seems nice enough, a little forward but overall not like the flattering liars I've been so fortunate (insert sarcasm here) to meet lately. Then he says "oh, by the way, I want sex & I don't want to wait very long for it." What is it about men????? Hello? Youth minister! What does that mean, that I'll hop into bed with anyone? I don't think so. I told him he was wasting his time, that I wasn't interested unless it was with the man I marry. He starts insulting me, saying how that was the wrong way, but he "respected my opinion." Yeah, right. I'm really beginning to think that "good men" just don't exist anymore. Either that or this jerk magnet just got stronger & now I can attract them from even farther away. Cripes, I'm starting to see the validity in arranged marriages. At least that way you don't have to put up with this sort of trash.

My New Anthem

Thank you, for giving me the morning
Thank you, for every day that's new
Thank you, that I can know my worries
Can be cast on you.

I've decided to take this as my theme song for this year. It seems appropriate, since my resolution is to learn to be happy again. I figure if I wake up every morning & force myself to be thankful, eventually it'll be like second nature. I know life isn't all hills, you have to have some valleys along the way, but I'm just sick of the roller coaster. I'm going to rediscover the joy I once had if it kills me.

Actually, I think I'm slowly getting back there. Even tho Christmas was less than wonderful, I've had a sort of peace lately. Who knows, maybe I can get out of this slump I'm in. Sure, it still sucks that I'm single, but I don't feel as depressed over it as I did before. Maybe it's working. I hope so, I'm ready to be joyful again.

Flashlight or Lantern?

"I'm the one asking for a flashlight to see down the path, when He is only offering a lantern to see the next step."

I read that and Wow! it just jumps out at me. That's how I've been all my life, only I think sometimes it's the other way around. I'm clutching tight to this lantern, afraid I'll make a misstep, when God wants to give a beacon so I can see where the end of the path is. I'm too afraid of the unknown, so I want the flashlight so I can see, but in order to get the flash I have to give up the lantern. It seems especially important after today's church service. Sam was the speaker, I always love listening to him because he always says something so basic yet so profound. Today's theme was on testifying on the light, & he mentioned the exact same thing, that God gives us a flashlight to see the path but we only want to see our next step. He also said, "there's nothing you can do that makes God not love you." I know that, intelectually. But inside, I'm still hung up on my screwups. Can God really forgive me? Why would he? He does, without fail. I know it, I believe it. But sometimes it's hard to forgive myself, which prevents God from being able to forgive me. Ok, God, whack me again with that 2x4, the last knot is almost gone so it's time for another. It's taken a while, but I'm finally able to forgive myself & move on. Yes, I screw up, & I'll probably - no, not probably - I WILL screw up again. But God is a forgiving god. No matter what I do, or don't do, he can forgive anything that has, is, or will happen. Thank you, God, for giving me that message again, I'm a little slow so sometimes it takes a few hits over the head. And thanks for reminding me today, at the beginning of a brand new year, which is full of promise & hope. It may take a while, but I'm slowly getting my act together. And who knows, maybe that's why God has been silent for so long on my future mate. He's waiting for me to reach the point where I can devote my whole heart unreservedly.