Day One

It's official. I'm now a member of the priesthood. Talk about "freak you out" nervous! It's humbling to think that I'm now responsible for leading others to Christ. Not just in the casual way I was before, but in a more official role. I keep thinking about our classes, & what they told me the responsibilities of a teacher are. Among others, I'm supposed to make sure people do what they're supposed to do, make sure that we meet "regularly", & act as a peacekeeper. It's that last one I have trouble with at times. Peacekeeper. Hoo-boy, this should be interesting.

In the message today, Sam talked about God's plan, how he's seen Christ working in each of our lives, & how we have to trust God's leading in our lives. I always like it when he's the speaker, he always says things that make you think, make you say "that's it!", and make you see things in a different view.

We had a business meeting today before service to accept another call, a friend of mine is being called to deacon. She mentioned in her statement that this wasn't a surprise, that she had thought before that if she ever received a call to priesthood, it would probably be to deacon. Then after church we were jokingly trying to figure which of us "outranks" the other. As teacher I outrank deacon, as Christian Ed director she outranks me, as children's leader I outrank her, & in all things Star Trek/Star Wars she outranks me. The 2 of us as priesthood, this should shake things up!

Love Comes Softly

I watched this movie tonight, it's a wonderful testament to how love isn't all fireworks & lightning bolts. Sometimes it "comes softly", over time, as you come to know the person. That's what I want, a love that grows, that's built slowly but on a strong foundation. Sure, I'd love to be swept off my feet into a whirlwind romance, but where does that leave you? With your head spinning & your stomach in knots, like you just got off the tilt a whirl.

One of the churches here has a singles service on Friday nights, so I decided to go. I went once before & wasn't all that impressed, but I thought I'd give it another shot. It's ok, typical church service where maybe one or two people say anything to you. It's too Joel Osteen for my taste, but it is nice to go to a service where I know I don't have any responsibility. I may give it another chance, you really can't tell much from one or two services, because the sermons have been pretty good. They relate to what's going on in my life, & the co-leaders are good at tying scripture to modern day. Who knows, I may wind up enjoying it & making close friends there. If not, it's an enjoyable way to spend Friday nights.

Ordination is Sunday. I'm excited, yet nervous. After this, my life is going to change so much. Maybe not at first, or in ways I notice right away, but it will. Even though I already do everything I'll be ordained to do, it's still going to be different. I just wish Vernon & Irene were still here; they both told me repeatedly that this day was coming. They believed in me when I couldn't; and even though they're not here in person, I know they'll be with me in spirit always.

New Beginning

We're down to the last week, I'm getting ordained Sunday. Seems weird that soon I'll be a priesthood member. It's exciting, but frightening in a way. AM I ready for this? Can I do it? Am I really cut out to be a minister? In my heart I know I am, but sometimes my head doesn't exactly agree. Part of me is afraid to start down this path, because I know where it's going to lead & I don't know that I'm ready to go there. Lord, be with me & help me in this new phase of life. Help me to follow your will & do as you'd have me do.

Happy Ever After?

I was in a mood tonight, so I went out & rented Anne of Avonlea. It's always been a favorite of mine, full of sentimentality & sappy romance. The fair heroine tosses over the boy next door because he doesn't look like her ideal, and then when she does find her ideal & he begs her to be his wife, she turns him down too. Only after her longtime "chum" is at death's door does she realize the depth of her feeling for him. Of course, he recovers, proposes & they live happy ever after, the perfect fairytale ending....

So where's my fairytale? Don't I get a "happy ever after"? Or is my Prince simply lost & refusing to ask for directions? I hate it, hate feeling like this; I want to either find the man God has chosen for me, or have this desire taken away from me. Well, not really. I don't want to give up the dream of marriage & children, but I just don't want to hurt like this. Two friends have had babies in the past month, and while I'm happy for them, it's bittersweet. The babies are precious, little miracles from God, but when you're single and desiring to be a mother, it's like salt in a fresh wound. I know, intellectually, that until I can be satisfied alone I can never expect to be satisfied in a relationship. I can't expect my happiness to depend upon having a "significant other". Sure, I have friends who say "just wait 'till you're married, then you'll miss being on your own" or "marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be". Yeah, easy for you to say, you have someone to share life's joys and sorrows. But what about when you don't have anyone to share them with? It's rough, it's painful, and it's lonely. Sometimes I feel like I can't bear the load alone anymore, I need someone to help and yet there isn't anyone there. I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I just wish he didn't trust me so much.