Another one bites the dust

This whole blog seems to be turning into the whining laments of my dysfunctional dating life. Well, guess I shouldn't break tradition, so here's yet another tale of failure.

The first date was nice, or so it seemed. He asked if I'd be interested in meeting again, then said he'd call me. He called the following night, & we had a great conversation. A little personal, but it was nice getting to know him better. Then, when he hung up, he didn't ask to call again or say he'd call back. It caught my attention, so after stewing it over, I e-mailed him. Turns out he had no intention of calling again after all. So either he lied about having fun & wanting to see me again, or something I said made him think twice.

Why is it I continually find these men? Once or twice, I could write it off as the guy being a creep. But this many??? I've joked about the jerk magnet I carry around, but I'm starting to think it's not a joke.

The Dating Game

Maybe there's something wrong with me. A chemical imbalance. A deep-rooted love of inflicting pain. Some masochistic impulse. Or maybe I'm just like everyone else, longing to find that one person who complements me. Whatever the reason, I have yet again succumbed to temptation & went out with someone I met online.

Ok, so far it sounds like a "Oh no, I can see where this is heading" type of story. Actually, it went pretty well. From past experiences, I expected it to be nerve-wracking, awkward, & a relief when it ended. The relief was that I actually enjoyed myself. We had a nice conversation (after we finished eating), & wound up talking for more than 2 hours. At the end, he asked if I'd like to go out again, & he's supposed to call me soon. I hope he does, I really enjoyed it & I'd like to get to know him better. He seems like a nice guy, & I mean that in a good way. I hope we get the chance to see what, if anything, could be.

Christmas With Louise

This has been floating around the internet for a few years, & since I got such a kick out of it, I thought I'd share.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,
"Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Wedding Day Blues

I just got back from a wedding for a friend. It was a beautiful service, the reception was lovely, & I spent most of the evening wondering "why can't I find that?" I'm happy for them, but weddings make me wistful for my own special day, whenever that may be. I guess the lyrics to one of my favorite songs sums it up best:

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

Birthday Greetings

For the past 10 or so years, birthdays were a thing to be dreaded. Sure, I may get a call from my parents, a couple of generic cards from the church & possibly one from a friend, but for the most part they've sucked. Usually they're just another horrible reminder that there isn't anyone to make it special. In the past, I've spent the day in a bad mood, trying to avoid any reminders, or wishing that I could disappear until it's all over. Last year, I made a vow that I was going to enjoy the day if it killed me; I managed to tolerate it, but it still wasn't all that great, so I decided that the days of enjoyable birthdays were a thing of the past.

This year, however, I've actually enjoyed it. My neice & I had tickets to a play today, so she spent the night with me & we went to the fair, then got up & went to the play. Plus, a friend sent me flowers & a card. I guess if I can't get flowers from my special guy (whoever he may be), then getting flowers from a close friend is just as good. And to top it off, the brother I thought would never remember called me. The others didn't, but at least one did. All in all, the start to this year has been very enjoyable. Perhaps this is to be a sign that this year, the final one of my 20s, is to be filled with smiles.